Losing over and over again...

(Tuesday, March 22, 2005 2:05 AM)

By my own fucking tyrannical hand that seems to operate on it's own voluntary accord. Pushing away my love and companionship. Pushing away my favorite. Giving not an ounce of slack to those who love me and put up with me. Losing over and over again, just to maybe win again, but only to lose again, in the end maybe breaking even on sanity and patience. And still, other than this ghost-limb that intrusively does what it wants at will,...I can't seem to lift a single digit of motivation to make change. I don't understand why I want and dream so fervently but do very little to back it up in reality. I'm faaar too deep inside my own insular little Kenny-head. I'm foreshadowing and planting seeds of tragedy from the damned couch.

I sometimes think that if my life were completely devoid of any everyday distractions, people, etc,......ie; Picture Michael Madsen's character in Kill Bill Vol. 2. "Budd", other than his humiliating has-been ethics,....he lives a simple, solitary life in a camper way out in the desert. I dream of that shit man. Solitude. Sometimes I need it to recharge myself.

Tonight @ 2am I stood on a pier over the water on Roanoke Island, N.C. and felt it. I was completely alone for a few miles,....except for this Heron that scared the shit out of me,...in the dark it looked like a fucking terodactyl when I scared it up from it's perch. But I was very comfortable with the damned thing, he was just hanging out, basking in his fundamentals like me.

Despite all of that, I still feel this innate need to be deeply connected,...to love and be loved fully and at all costs. To have and to hold or whatever. And this isn't born of insecurity, but it validates things more than most people can understand.

Back and forth, waxing and waning,...I'm perpetually at war with the very ideals I summon. And when whatever permutations I've ushered in arrive, I'm never quiet ready to be shaken up again. I know I'm the Pheonix Rising from the Ashes n' all,...but I still flinch when I'm about to get burned.

Losing to win again, winning to lose again.