I feel strongly...

(Saturday, April 30, 2005 4:01 AM)

...A little too strongly as a matter of fact. Logic born of apathy and vis versa is rare in my life.

Lately, and at this very moment, I feel very strongly that things aren't going to work out. I'm starting to realize I have this gradually bubbling feeling that I don't really care about too much right now. Things that I suppose I should care about anyway. I sincerely don't mean this in a whiny, naive, pathetic, sniveling sort of way, I feel very calm and cool about it. I've had a million little epiphanies in the past six months,...a million fears and ambitions and fireworks-finales exploding in my noggin. Lots of perspective, lots of new dawns.

I had just started to climb out of this shell,...this shell born of comfort and the belief in predetermined fate. I learned a blip or two about Quantum Physics,...that blew me away and made me question everything. I started to realize that I am in control. I am the god of my own universe, I manifest my own destiny through my own will, I'd always seen evidence of it. Now I'm simply questioning my abilities as Captain of this ship and the strength of my will,...and I'm fucking going in reverse. And I don't really feel any sort of panic. Which is a little scary I suppose...

I seek truth at all costs and question the real worth of everything around me. As I get older and learn more, as I peek behind more facades and my overall perspective widens incredibly,......I don't really feel good. I don't really feel complete. I've actually gotten more angry as I've gotten older. Everything seems less and less "worth it".